Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.
I’m a big Chris Williamson fan. I enjoy his podcast, Modern Wisdom, and because I listen to him often (his British accent is easy on the ears), his reels often find their way into my social media feed. Chris has a knack for putting a fine point on complex topics, both in life and business. Recently, I heard him quote author Neil Strauss on the podcast, saying, “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” That line really struck me.
As a leadership coach and business owner, my experience is that 99% of our problems originate from a lack of communication. Every time a client brings me an issue about performance or conflict, my first question is, “Have you talked with them about it?” The answer is almost always, “No.” That’s when we start unraveling the root of the problem: unspoken expectations.
The quote by Strauss perfectly encapsulates the danger of assuming others will just know what we want or expect. It’s a slippery slope that can breed resentment—on both sides. Leaders often hold their expectations close, thinking they’re obvious or implied, but that’s rarely the case. Here are three perspectives to chew on when it comes to this concept in leadership:
1. Clarity is Kindness.
One of the greatest gifts you can give your team is clarity. When expectations are left in the shadows, people are left guessing. Maybe you think it’s obvious how you want a project handled, but without clear communication, the result is often misaligned with your vision. It’s not because your team lacks capability; they’re just operating without the full picture. Providing crystal-clear expectations isn’t micromanaging—it’s actually setting everyone up to win. Clarity is an act of kindness because it eliminates the uncertainty that leads to stress and, ultimately, resentment.
2. Assumptions Are Silent Saboteurs.
It’s easy to assume that others see the world as we do, but that’s rarely the case. We each bring our own experiences, interpretations, and biases into every interaction. As a leader, when you assume your team knows what’s in your head without ever articulating it, you’re setting a trap. This is where resentment festers. Both you and your team start feeling frustrated, thinking, “They should just know this.” But assumptions are silent saboteurs—they’ll derail progress without you even realizing it. Leaders who communicate explicitly, leaving little room for ambiguity, avoid the landmines that assumptions lay.
3. Unspoken Expectations Break Trust.
Trust is the backbone of any successful team, but nothing erodes trust faster than unmet, unspoken expectations. When leaders hold others accountable to standards they’ve never clearly communicated, it’s unfair and demotivating. Imagine holding someone to a test they didn’t even know they were taking. Over time, this breeds frustration and a sense of injustice. On the flip side, when you’re upfront about your expectations, even if they’re demanding, you create an environment of transparency. People might not always like what’s asked of them, but they’ll respect that they knew where they stood from the beginning.
Wrapping it up.
Neil Strauss was spot on with that quote: “Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments.” As leaders, we owe it to our teams and ourselves to speak up, to be clear, and to be direct about what we want. Not only does this reduce conflict and misunderstanding, but it also creates a culture where everyone knows what’s expected and can move forward confidently. Remember, most issues in leadership are communication problems masquerading as something else. So next time you find yourself frustrated, ask, “Have I actually said what I need?” The answer might be the first step to solving the problem.