Have you ever found yourself frustrated with others' actions or behavior? I certainly have. Since the beginning of the year, I've been diving into a class developed by Robyn Gobbel called “Being With: A Course for Parents of Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors”, led by registered Being With Course Facilitator, Sara Sherman, of Discovery Horse. You might recall us sharing about Sara and her Neuro-relational ™ Coaching practice last fall in a Rise + Grind called In Direct Conflict. These past few months with Sara have been an eye-opener for me as a leader, parent, and partner. There are so many nuggets of wisdom to learn from Sara but the one that I’ve been carrying with me since our very first session is: “Changing how you see people, changes people.”
How I see people.
When it comes to working with others, what really gets under my skin are unmet commitments and a lack of collaboration. I prefer addressing issues head-on, focusing on understanding and moving forward. I typically ask what happened but don’t always remember to ask why it happened. Too often, if I don't ask for context, I catch myself making negative assumptions:
"I didn’t have time." Because you didn’t manage your time well.
"We have a conflict in the schedule." Because you didn’t plan ahead.
"This task isn’t a priority for me to work on." Because you commit to something you never intended to make time for in the first place.
"I don’t like the idea and don’t want to move forward with it." Because you don’t like me or my ideas.
Yikes! My internal dialogue isn’t always friendly. Filling in the context gaps immediately puts a negative spin on the statement, leading to frustration and conflict. Do I truly believe people act with such negative intentions? No way! Still, it is easy to jump to conclusions sometimes.
Changing how we see people, changes people.
What if I take Sara’s advice and change how I see people?
"I didn’t have time." Because your other work took priority this time. You’re letting me know so we can both anticipate the delay and plan for you to fit this commitment into your to-do list.
"We have a conflict in the schedule." Because there are two meaningful events on your schedule at the same time. You’re letting me know so we can figure out how to collaborate and cover our bases.
"This task isn’t a priority for me to work on." Because your other workload is really heavy. You’re letting me know because you need to ask for some grace and to keep your focus elsewhere.
"I don’t like the idea and don’t want to move forward with it." Because you think I need to know there is some risk ahead. You care about me and the shared goals we have and you are sharing genuine concern about how this assignment and our goals align.
Wrestling practice
I've been wrestling with this new perspective. On a good day, I naturally lean toward being a realist, but on a bad day, I'm a skeptic. So, practicing this felt a little unnatural. Here are some things I keep reminding myself as I get better at it:
I surround myself with good people who care.
Good people do good things for good reasons.
Shit happens. Mistakes are made. And that’s okay.
Changing how I see myself changes me.
Embracing this new mindset isn’t always easy, but it’s a journey worth taking. After all, you can't change other people, but you can change how you choose to interpret their behavior and how you react to it.